Sometimes it is easy to smile and keep on...and sometimes it is not. Just a few weeks ago I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. For those of you who aren't familiar with it, Fibromyalgia is a chronic condition that effect your nerves from your shoulders, head, neck, back and sometimes legs. Its a deep tissue throbbing that often turns into shooting pain and fatigue, memory/concentration problems, reduced ability to exercise, headaches and a multitude of other symptoms. At times, I feel like a huge brush burn is extending up from my shoulders and cloaks around my head. Other times, i am fighting just to find the energy to finish out my day. Relief is always a 50/50 chance, a massage could either help or create nausea for me. Ibuprofen is scientifically proven that it provides no shelter from the pain. Sleep disturbances happen often and frequently and in turn effects my energy levels. So, for me, it means adjusting my lifestyle.
No one wants to be diagnosed with this, or any other painful syndrome. It took numerous Doctor's visits, tests and MRIs to finally get a diagnoses. In the end, i am left with medical bills and a diagnoses. A diagnoses can give someone comfort, for me, it did just that. For me, the diagnoses meant i wasn't crazy, that the pain and discomfort i was feeling wasn't from an imaginary source, it wasn't some hellish dream i was living through, it meant that I had a reason for why i felt the way i did.
I don't know why God choose me to bear this particular burden. Its been very rough, specially being diagnosed within the first few months of being married. Altho my husband has been nothing but supportive and sensitive, its extremely frustrating to me that it seems like he married an old lady. And lets face it, 26 isn't old. The doctor did tell me that about 70% of younger people that are diagnosed with fybromyalgia have a very good chance of recovering from it within a few years if they take care of themselves, eat healthy, exercise gently but regularly and stay positive. Oh, did i mention that depression goes hand in hand with Fibromyalgia? So at every emotional, physical and mental standpoint, my body is self sabotaging itself. If I don't keep a positive spiritual view, I don't do well at all.
There were times, before i got my diagnoses, that I felt so alone, like no one knew what I was going through. I kept begging God to just heal me...but when the tests came back negative time and time again for anything wrong, I started to panic. Thoughts of anger and frustration boiled over and I was left drowning in the same unanswered question, "what was wrong with me!?!?!!" I wanted it to be something the doctors could fix in one simple operation, but it wasn't that easy.
Talking about it with my Pastor one day, he looked me square in the face and said, "this is something you are going to have to fight against, or die too." Coming from someone who has two immediate family members going through Fibromyalgia, I found what he said profound and powerful. I want to be a fighter, but I will always have those days when it's a struggle just to get my body into motion. I can't can't change the way I feel, and sometimes, I can't even change my metal attitude. But I know that if i keep fighting, I will have a better day soon. The fact that its not as bad as it could be right now does keep me thankful. In more extreme cases, therapy is prescribed and a whole lifestyle change is required. For me, I had to cut my work days from 8.5 hours to 6.5 hours. Nathan does a good job of keeping us on track with healthy eating...and I try to get a walk in every day.
Sometimes, I have to fight through stuff alone, just to realize that in the end, I was't alone at all. My Savior was holding my hand all the way through, and still is. My husband is here, handing my hand too...I didn't recognize it at first because Love doesn't away take the form that I want it too...or even happen the way i think it should. So for now, I am surviving on the Grace of God. Tomorrow, i want to stand by the grace of God, because that is something worth fighting for.
